[Birds chirping outside the Tohno mansion.]

 Akiha:  It was morning. The sun streamed down through a clear sky. A nice morning that made
 you feel good inside. The feeling I had when I woke up was as clear and clean
 as this great weather. That's what I'd like to say. There's more. 
 Last night, outside, I heard a strange thing. A thin sound like a motor turning. A quiet
 explosion. Something broke. A voice that I've heard somewhere before. It would have 
 been dangerous if I start running about looking for it so I stayed in bed. Naturally,
 I could not get any sleep. Fortunately . . . no. Unfortunately, this is something we've
 had experience with. And I have an idea who the responsible party is. In just a minute,
 the culprit will come right into this very room. I'll make that person know what it  
 means to take responsibility. 

 [A knock on Akiha's door, and then another person opens the door.]

 Kohaku: Good morning, Akiha-sama. 

 Akiha: Good morning to you, Kohaku. 

 Kohaku: Today's weather is especially splendid. 

 Akiha: It certainly is. 

 Kohaku: Your health, is, I trust, in good condition?

 Akiha: Yes, thanks to you. 

 Kohaku: That's always the best thing to hear. 

 Akiha: (sotto voice) I've intercepted the culprit. How dare you skulk around?
 (calmer) But that's fine. I'll gently interrogate her about the noises last night
 and make her answer honestly. That'll put an end to the trouble, and everything
 will be resolved simply. (pause) Or so I thought! That was when it happened! 

 Kohaku: Oh, Akiha-sama?

 Akiha: Yes?

 Kohaku: May I trouble you for some of your time? 

 Akiha: Fine. What is it? 

 Kohaku: Remember back when I constructed Mech-Hisui? 

 Akiha: I could not forget even if I wanted to.  That was the robot that looked like Hisui. 
 I remember that it attacked me. 

 Kohaku: That's right! It was overflowing with love and justice. It was the embodiment
 of  scary cute technology. Mech Hisui-chan! 

 Akiha: What are you saying?  Please go on. 

 Kohaku: Well, I thought about putting the technology into practical use for your upcoming
 trip. It's a proactive guard robot. I call it Mech Akiha-sama. And it came online 
 a while ago.   

 Akiha: Utilizing my visage and name for your robot? Still, I guess I feel relieved to 
 hear that. That holy hunter . . . I was almost caught then. (inhales, exhales)

 Kohaku: What is the matter? Is the weather affecting you? 

 Akiha: If I don't breathe slowly in the morning, I'll end up being too loud. 

 Kohaku: Oh, I see. 

 Akiha: Time for business. An outline for today, please. 

 Kohaku: Yes, madam. I have a proposal in regard to that. 

 Akiha: What is it? 

 Kohaku: Making your whereabouts unknown. 

 Akiha: Aaaaahhhh! (falls down a trapdoor)

 [Title theme plays]

 Nojima Kenji: TYPE-MOON's 10th Anniversary Drama CD!

 Honda: Featuring Carnival Phantasm! 

 Taiga: Taiga! 

 Illya: And Bloomer! 

 Neco Arc: With Neco-Arc!

 VS Mech-Akiha! 

 Tohno Shiki: (yawns while walking) I didn't sleep well last night. I bet 
 Akiha would've gotten mad if she'd heard that noise. 
 Oh, it's Akiha. What kind of verbal sparring can I expect today?
 She doesn't seem mad, but she doesn't seem happy either. 
 I'll lead with this season's popular technique, the rolling hayo! 
 No, I shouldn't act too friendly right off the bat. Okay! I'll be 
 successful today! 

 Tohno Shiki: Yo, Akiha! Good morning! 

 Mech Akiha: [Chimes] Scanning. Please wait. Recognized subject as Nii-san. 
 Is that acceptable? 

 Tohno Shiki: Uh . . . yes? 

 Mech Akiha: If that is acceptable, push 1. If it is unacceptable, press the 
 self-destruct button on my back. 

 Tohno Shiki: Akiha keeps thinking about new ways for us to converse. It's hard 
 finding a way to respond. 

 Mech Akiha: [Buzzes] That answer was incorrect. 

 Tohno Shiki: Where is the button for 1? 

 [MEANWHILE]

 Taiga: Call the strange-talking person over here! I will 
 destroy her and then the universe! Who is it? Oh, scary! 

 Illya: What are you doing, Taiga? 

 Taiga: No, you should have asked what's wrong with me. 
 There's a little difference,  but it's different from how Asuka
 would respond, so please pay careful attention. 

 Illya: I spoke bearing that in mind. 

 Taiga: That's some Japanese I didn't like hearing. 

 Illya: Anyway, something interesting is happening nearby. 

 Taiga: Oh really? What? Is it Dragonball?

 Illya: I'll get mad if it turns out to be. Stop that. 

 Taiga: Are you going to use a Command Seal to give me that order, 
 My Master?

 Illya: I don't think it's worth using one. 

 Taiga: Speaking personally. 

 Illya: What is it now? Fine, I'll use one. Under the pain of my Command 
 Seal, you'll behave and not say difficult, silly things.  Fine, there we
 go.  

 Taiga: Thank you very much! You've only got one left! So what kind of food
 will the red moon provide, Loli Buruma?

 Illya: Okay, let's use one more Command Seal. I've kept the third in reserve. 

 Taiga: Again? Nothing I can do. I get it. 

 Illya: I thought about this before, but why are you accepting orders via these?

 Taiga: But it says Command Seal in the name. "You have to obey the Seal."  
 
 Illya: Yes, you are the Servant of Physical Education. I'm so glad, Taiga. 

 Taiga: [Laughs] You'll make me blush! 

 Illya: What about that thing? 

 Neco Arc: Hmm? I thought your manzai routine would keep going, so I wasn't
 listening, nyaa. 
 
 Illya: Don't say dumb things. You're supposed to be familiar with this area, so 
 we hired you. 

 Neco Arc: That's right! I know about the secret entrance in this building 
 which leads to a secret chamber secretly used in secret by the maid. 
 I know all sorts of things. Although many of these characters have tried
 to bribe me with two cans of cat food. That's too cheap. No dice. 

 Illya: Being referred to one of those various characters by you is 
 like the death of the individual. 

 Taiga: Why are you looking at me? Don't look at me! Don't! 

 Illya: All right, let's be on our way. You have yet to complete your work
 for us. 

 Neco Arc: This one's clearly from Deutschland. 

 [MEANWHILE]

 Akiha: So this thing works as a proactive guard? Although it's a 
 robot . . .  

 Kohaku: Yes! That's our Mech-Akiha-sama. 

 Akiha: I forbid you to use that name. Just call it "Robot". 

 Kohaku: Yes, ma'am. Akiha-sama-Robot. 

 Akiha: No, that's not what I meant! When you say it's 
 a proactive guard, what do you mean? 

 Kohaku: Well, let me start at the beginning. This is going to take a whi-

 Akiha: No, explain it briefly, in a way that makes sense. 

 Kohaku: As someone who knows Akiha-sama well, and recognizes Akiha-sama
 as her mistress, I've created a replica of Akiha-sama out of loyalty 
 and devotion. 

 Akiha: Briefly, so that someone else can understand. 

 Kohaku: It's a robot that looks like Akiha-sama that can replace her in the 
 field. It doesn't attack enemies when they show up, but when it 
 randomly comes across something it judges as an enemy, it attacks. 

 Akiha: What part of me is faithfully recreated in that?  

 Kohaku: The way it attacks enemies. A low kick, followed by the robot 
 mounting the enemy and punching it to bits. That's Akiha-sama's
 elegance! 

 Akiha: I can't believe you! In any case, I've learned how dangerous it is 
 to have this contraption walking the streets. 

 Kohaku: Don't worry, it's just the usual amount of rampaging violence. 

 Akiha: What. Was. That? 

 Kohaku: Of course, there was only so much effort I could expend on it. 

 Akiha: Oh boy. 

 Kohaku: There was a power surge, and I was out watering the flowers-

 Akiha: So you weren't even paying attention. 

 Kohaku: Suddenly something came from the sky, a striped thing with yellow
 and black. That tiger-like object aroused my artistic inspiration.  

 Akiha: That's the story you're going with? 

 Kohaku: It's already in play. 

 Akiha: Don't just use something you picked up off the ground. 

 [MEANWHILE]

 Mech Akiha: Please input your answer soon. 

 Tohno Shiki: Hmm. What should I press? 

 Mech Akiha: OR HOLDO ME TIGHT-O. 

 Tohno Shiki: Is that the first button? 

 Mech Akiha: Do you need a translation? 

 Tohno Shiki: No, I understand. I do . . . 

 Mech Akiha: Translating . . . 

 Tohno Shiki: No, you don't have to do that. I bet something
 bad is about to happen. 

 Mech Akiha: Please wait right where you are. 

 Tohno Shiki: Is it something I have to wait for?

 [Akiha and Kohaku enter the scene.]

 Akiha: Kohaku, is that it?

 Kohaku: Indeed it is. That's the Akiha-sama robot. 

 Akiha: Don't call it that! 

 Tohno Shiki: Hmm? ! What is this!? I can see two Akihas! 

 Akiha: Nii-san! That's a robot Kohaku made! Anyway, it's dangerous, 
 so get away from it!  

 Tohno Shiki: Hmm? A robot? 

 Kohaku: Rather than a robot, maybe it'd be better to call it an android. 

 Akiha: I don't care! 

 Mech Akiha: Please hold me. 

 Tohno Shiki: What was that?

 Akiha: What is that robot saying!? 

 Kohaku: Akiha-sama, now is not the time for such lewd remarks. 

 Akiha: I did not say that! 

 Tohno Shiki: Wow, it's really well-made. 

 Akiha: What are you getting impressed for, Nii-san!?

 Tohno Shiki: Sorry. Although this thing did recognize me as Nii-san. 

 Kohaku: [Dashes off] It's dangerous! 

 Akiha: Hold it! [grabs Kohaku and puts her in a crushing hold]

 Kohaku: Akiha-sama! I beg you, release me! I'm going to break! 
 [tries to tap out]

 Akiha: Why did you try to run behind the robot? 

 Kohaku: Did I indicate I was going to do that? 

 Akiha: Yes, you did! Whenever you move like that, I know you're up to 
 devilry!

 Tohno Shiki: Now I remember. It told me that if it was wrong, for me to push the
 self-destruct button on the back. 

 Akiha: Kooooooohaaaaaakuuuuuuu! 

 Kohaku: Eeeek! [runs off]

 [MEANWHILE] 

 Taiga: I heard the story! 

 Illya: Stop it, Taiga. You're just breaking the dojo again. 
 Sorry for the confusion. 

 [MEANWHILE]

 Kohaku: Oh look, Akiha-sama! We have a guest. 

 Akiha: Who might you be? 

 Taiga: I am here to enforce moral principles! I am equipped
 with a shinai! And I am in no way suspicious!

 Illya: I am here for the same purpose, dressed in a phys. ed 
 uniform. In any case, I'm more reliable than that one [indicates Taiga],
 so please feel at ease. 

 Taiga: What a shock! I'm under friendly fire!

 Akiha: We've got two more weirdos. I think I'm getting  a headache. 

 Neco Arc: I'll be put out if you forget about me. 

 Kohaku: Aaaaah! It's here! It's the yokai monster, the embodiment of 
 fear itself! 

 Neco Arc: Looks like I have the seat of honor right now. I'm Neco-Arc. 

 Kohaku: Akiha-sama! Hurry! Let out a beam and burn this thing to a crisp!

 Akiha: I can't do that!  And this is your work again!  

 Neco Arc: It's kind of sad how you'd choose to blame me for this. 

 Akiha: But it is! 

 Neco Arc: I'm here because someone else dragged me along, so cut me some slack. 

 Akiha: Then you didn't have to come along! 

 Neco Arc: Maybe you're right. 

 Taiga: Why don't we calm down for a moment? 
 
 Kohaku: Do you know why you're here? 

 Taiga: That's a good question, girl-whose-name-I-don't-know. 

 Kohaku: Oh. I am called Kohaku. 

 Taiga: If we get all the balls, something will happen. 
 
 Tohno Shiki: This is painful. 

 Illya: We've already got 100. Nothing has happened yet. 

 Akiha: Aren't those ordinary balls? 

 Neco Arc: They look like ordinary balls, but they make the robot move.  

 Mech Akiha: Good morning. There is one wearing a strange outfit. 

 Taiga: Don't say it's strange! 

 Illya: What are you doing, Taiga? 

 Taiga: Well, this lady is-

 Mech Akiha: Akiha Punch. 

 Taiga: Tiger Style! Shinken Shirahadori (真剣白刃取り) ! [is hit] Oooof! [collapses]

 Illya: Masterrrrrrrr! 

 Tohno Shiki: She took a strong hit right in the temple. 

 Akiha: Are you all right? 

 Taiga: [dazed] Something is shining . . . Sesaragi! I can hear you! 

 Tohno Shiki: She took a lot of damage. 

 Kohaku: She had a shinai. Why did she try to use a live blade catching
 technique against a punch? 

 Taiga: Yes! My sword is a weapon that allows others to live. 
 Against a girl with a defenseless heart, I can not draw my sword! 

 Illya: Teacher! That's so coool! 

 Kohaku: But Mech Akiha-sama is a proactive guard robot. It has various 
 attack functions. 

 Taiga: I thought it was amazing, but it was a robot!? If you don't tell me
 about that when we first start off, I won't hear later! 

 Illya: Teacher! That's so uncool! 

 Kohaku: Plus it's modeled after Akiha-sama, and she's like this. She goes
 all out during a fight. How dangerous. 

 Akiha: I wouldn't hit a stranger when I first met her. 

 Kohaku: And it's bareknuckle boxing - no gloves. 

 Akiha: No! 

 Taiga: Dang robot! 

 Akiha: Wait, you've got the wrong one! 

 Taiga: What - really? 

 Illya: Teacher! It's dangerous! 
  
 Mech Akiha: Autumn Reversal. [crash]

 Taiga: Aaaaaugh! [stumbles] An sudden attack like the Battle of Surat. 
 How unfair.

 Tohno Shiki: That person is amazing. I don't know if her defense is perfect or 
 full of openings. 

 Illya: It's hard having a teacher like that. 
 
 Tohno Shiki: Sorry for suddenly asking you off the bat, but how are you connected to 
 that person? 

 Illya: She's my martial arts teacher. I'm her disciple. But in fact, I'm her Master. 
 She is my Servant. 

 Tohno Shiki: I think I understand things even worse than I did before. 

 Illya: Yup. That's how random we are. 

 Tohno Shiki: What should I say? 

 [A battle begins, with the sound of the shinai 
 striking a solid object.]

 Akiha: Before our eyes, a very strange and ridiculous battle unfolded.
 It was the type of intense match where you could tell both combatants
 were very skilled. 

 Mech Akiha: Akiha Beam! 

 Taiga: Oh no you don't! 

 Kohaku: Eeek! It's dangerous! 

 Tohno Shiki: The beam split the shinai! 

 Akiha: Stop making copies of me and calling them Akiha! 

 Kohaku: Yes, I agree and won't do that anymore. However, at this moment, the only
 thing for me to do is to watch this attentively. 

 Tohno Shiki: Kohaku-san, you like it when things shoot eye beams. 

 Kohaku: Absolutely. It'd be lovely if Akiha-sama would shoot out some more. 

 Neco Arc: If there is no confusion in my gaze, I might shoot some. 

 Akiha: You'll shoot them!? 

 Taiga: Take that! Take that! Take that! 

 Illya: Teacher Taiga is on fire. 

 Tohno Shiki: She's really tough. 

 Mech Akiha: Akiha Machine Gun Kick. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kickkickkickkickkick.

 Taiga: Who are you trying to kick? 

 Tohno Shiki: Blocking the eye beams. Blocking the kicks. What is that shinai?

 Kohaku: I want to investigate it. 

 Illya: It's just an ordinary shinai. 

 Kohaku: Really?

 Illya: The wielder is wielding it like a true expert, even better than Musashi. 
 Even though she says all these strange things. 

 Kohaku: Still, using an ordinary shinai to block Akiha's murderous kicks
 is-

 Akiha: That's not me! 

 Illya: Only Taiga could accomplish this. It's impossible to try to understand it through
 intellection. 

 Tohno Shiki: But isn't it fatiguing to block all of those? She's fighting a robot, and we don't
 know when that will run out of energy. 

 Illya: Good point. Taiga, why aren't you counterattacking? 

 Taiga: I've been aiming at her forearms. I don't have a clear shot. 

 Tohno Shiki: She's taking this lightly. 

 Illya: Try to hit its self-destruct button. 

 Taiga: That's cheating. 

 Akiha: Is it time to think about that? 
 
 Tohno Shiki: The robot stopped trying to kick her. 

 Mech Akiha: Instead of a powerful enemy, are you my friend?

 Taiga: Yes, that's right! 

 Mech Akiha: Changing registration to friend. Please press 1 to confirm. If this is incorrect, 
 please press the self-destruct button  on my back. 

 Taiga: Where is '1'? 

 Tohno Shiki: No, you can't! You'll be in the same kind of trouble I was. 

 Akiha: Get rid of it! 

 Kohaku: That's no good, Akiha-sama! You shouldn't blame yourself 
 for all of this!

 Akiha: But I've been saying that's not me!  

 Kohaku: Kyaaa!  

 Mech Akiha: OR HOLDO ME TIGHT-O. 

 Taiga: Noooo! Your pronunciation is off.  Hol me tai, un da stan?. 

 Akiha: What is this? 

 Tohno Shiki: What?

 Taiga: Her crude pronunciation is bad. It has awakened the fire within 
 me, as an English teacher. 

 Neco Arc: It was sleeping inside you. 

 Akiha: Isn't that a bad thing to dwell on now?

 Illya: She's like that. Sorry. 

 Mech Akiha: Time's up. Autumn Reversal. 

 Taiga: Again!? My anger feels ecstatic.  

 Neco Arc: She criticized someone else's 
 English, but her Japanese sounds weird too. 

 Taiga: That's all right! I'm an English teacher! 

 Illya: That's not the problem right now. 

 Mech Akiha: Please remain where you are and do not attempt to dodge. 

 Taiga: Trying to trick me again?

 Mech Akiha: No. 

 Taiga: Really? 

 Mech Akiha: No. 

 Taiga: I'll wait. 

 Mech Akiha: Akiha punch-

 Taiga: No way! Men! [explosion]

 Mech Akiha: [flat, robotic weeping noises]

 Kohaku: Akiha-sama! Are you all right? 

 Akiha: How many times do I have to say that's not me!?

 Mech Akiha: [loses her lunch] 

 Illya: That's-

 Taiga: The Tiger Ball.

 Illya: There's no limit to these things! Teacher!

 Taiga: Gotta get them all! Loli Buruma! 

 Illya: That's right, Teacher!  Please.

 Taiga: But the ball came out of that thing's mouth
 with a lot of other stuff. 

 Illya: It's a robot. I bet the ball is still clean. Maybe. 

 Taiga: You're joking! [picks it up] Oh, this is so slimy and wet. 

 Kohaku: How strange. It wasn't like that when I hooked it in yesterday. 

 Tohno Shiki: It has stopped moving. 

 Kohaku: It's too bad. There's no reserve power. [tears up]

 Akiha: You'd put a reserve battery in there? 

 [LATER] 

 Illya: It looks like our role in this is over. 

 Taiga: Sorry for butting in. See you later. 

 Akiha: After helping us deal with the robot, and taking the Tiger ball, 
 the two took their leave. I find my mood steadily improving. 
 However, there are still some affairs that must be settled. 

 Kohaku: Aawwww! My beloved work of dreams that I spent 
 great time on! 

 Akiha: It's not yours! And Nii-san! 

 Tohno Shiki: What is it? 

 Akiha: What was that!? 

 Tohno Shiki: I didn't make that robot. Isn't that right, Kohaku-san?

 Kohaku: Shiki-san, it's not manly to blame others for what you did. 

 Akiha: Kohaku, what about your responsibility? I'll hear more about what
 you did later on. It'll be a lengthy chat. 

 Kohaku: Oh nooooooo. 

 Tohno Shiki: So what did I do? 

 Akiha: You couldn't tell the difference between me and this piece of junk 
 robot! 

 Tohno Shiki: But it's so well-made. 

 Kohaku: [teary] It's not a piece of junk. 

 Tohno Shiki: But it is slightly bigger than the real thing. 

 Akiha: [growls]

 Kohaku: You've noticed something good, Shiki-san! 

 Tohno Shiki: I did?

 Kohaku: The mechanical workings couldn't be miniaturized further. 
 That's why Mech Akiha has great proportions. My wish came
 true. 
 
 Tohno Shiki: [Nervous laughter]

 Akiha: Shut up! 

 Tohno Shiki x Kohaku: Yes. 

 [LATER]

 Akiha: As for the robot, I didn't want to see it torn apart. It looks very 
 much like me. Yet leaving it in the mitts of Kohaku means it will be misused
 again. Therefore, I sealed it away in the mansion's interior - in a place
 where Kohaku will not find it. [shutter door slams, locks clamp into place]
 I doubt I'll ever see that robot again. Case closed. I'll get a good night's
 sleep tonight. 

 [LATER]

 [NECO ARC is messing with the robot.]

 Neco Arc: I thought this robot was well-made.  I might not be able to move
 this without a winch. Oh, that's right. Want to eat a can of cat food?

 Mech Akiha: [reboots] You are Neco Arc, right? If that is correct, press 'one'.

 Neco Arc: Like this. [presses]

 Mech Akiha: Good afternoon, Neco Arc-san.
 
 THE END